Behind the Scenes
by IlliterateGuy
Summary: Find out what REALLY happens behind the scenes, and what the captains and vice captains get up to when not on duty. Chapter 2! We’ll tell you a tale, Of an infamous tattooed, tall spiky haired male. Guess who?
1. 1st Division

**Intro:** Ullo there... my attempt at writing something slightly more.. humourous? Anwyay, this is something like Big Brother/This is your Life. Hidden cameras, showing us parts of the people's lives, that sorta stuff. Not sure how good it is really, so I'll need you reviews to tell me! And to give me ideas for other 'episodes'! Oh yeah, since this place doesn't seem to allow much inthe way of symbols that I can use for dividing sections, the double line thingy is the start and end of the entire story, and the single lines are the video parts.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Bleach, only thing I own is Kaisensaku Chouritsu, the host.

* * *

"HELLO! And a very big welcome to 'Behind the Scenes', where we go beyond the normal, using hidden cameras to reveal the more private areas of the lives of prominent Shinigami here in Soul Society. I'm your host, Kaisensaku Chouritsu. Today, we have the very special privilege of exploring the 1st Division Office, and to join us today in our investigation, are none other than Commander General Yamamoto Genryuusai Shigekuni and his Vice-captain," A technical difficulty prevented the audience from hearing the name of the mysterious vice captain. "Sorry bout that folks, you can be sure the swine responsible for that little mishap will be looking for another job tomorrow. Anyway, back to 'Behind the Scenes'!" 

A large television screen was behind the trio of them, and flickered towith the show's logo. "As some of you may or may not know, the Commander General subscribes to a weekly copy of 'Shinigami Retirees Weekly', however, suspicion has been aroused of the true nature of the magazines thatare brought to the 1st Division Office every week, since a large box of magazines appears to be delivered every week, yet Yamamoto-dono claims that he only subscribes to the one magazine." Kaisensaku bent down and handed Yamamoto a microphone. "So, Yamamoto-dono, is there anything we should know about the magazines you receive every week?"

The reply was quite blunt. "No, what are you suggesting? I am an old man who likes to get comfort from reading magazines designed for those of my age." The Commander General gave the host a deathly glare, but Kaisensaku didn't bat an eyelid.

"I see, however, I believe our video evidence contradicts that, you sure you don't want to rethink your answer?" Yamamoto remained stubbornly silent. "I see, then let us show the public what Yamamoto-dono REALLY reads…" The lights dimmed as the screen behind them flickered to life…

* * *

The delivery guy was pooped. Already he had spent an entire day delivering miscellaneous packages to every corner of Seireitei, and now he had to lug this box of magazines all the way over to the 1st Division. At least it wasn't as far as the 13th Division, having to heave a box that large from the 4th Division post office all the way to the 13th office would have been torture. Captain Unohana probably made people do the 13th's deliveries whenever they upset her. Arriving at last, he called out loudly. "Delivery here for Commander General Yamamoto Genryuusai!" The elderly man didn't come for his parcel, but instead, the grey-haired vice-captain accepted it on his behalf. 

"It's your magazines sir." Yamamoto jumped up and down with glee, quite uncharacteristic of the sombre old man who led the Gotei 13. Ripping open the box, he pulled out the first magazine, 'Shinigami Retirees Weekly'.

* * *

"You see, as I told you, that is the only magazine I subscribe to, nothing interesting at all." Yamamoto's tone was confident, triumphant, the so-called 'video evidence' had failed, however, the host of the program was not so easily put off. 

"I beg to differ, Yamamoto-dono, there is more to our video footage, if you'd like to direct your attention back to the screen…"

* * *

Yamamoto threw the old people's magazine away distastefully, without even opening it, despite its intriguing headlines, such as 'How to give your bald head a beautiful shine', 'Old woman dies at age of 50237', and even 'Tips and Tricks of Bingo'. Yamamoto shuddered as he threw the magazine into the bin. "I hate that stuff, too bad I have to waste my money on ordering it, as a cover up for these…" He began pulling the other magazines out of the box, one after the other. 

His vice-captain, seeing that his captain was sufficiently entertained and quite happy now, left the room. Magazines now littered the floor, with titles such as 'Female Frenzy', which featured a scantily dressed female Shinigami on the cover, 'Hot Hollows', which showed some rather gruesome pictures of Hollows in an attempt to look seductive, 'Shinigami Dolly', which bore several headings quite similar to the Retirees Weekly magazine, 'How to keep the shine in your long silky hair', 'Prolong your love life', and 'Tips and Tricks of Dating'. Ignoring the other magazines on the floor around him, Yamamoto began to read, his hands shaking as he did so.

For a full hour he sat there, completely absorbed in the 'Shinigami Dolly' magazine, reading it as if it was a matter of life and death. His eyebrows flew up every time he found an interesting picture, and the vice-captain, on passing the room several times, heard strange giggles and squeals quite uncharacteristic of the 1st Division Captain coming from within. Finally, he finished going through the box of magazines, even 'Playshinigami', and lay down on the floor, his mind filled with lecherous thoughts and things that no one would expect him to be thinking of.

* * *

The crowd had a mixed reaction. Some of them were silent, completely shocked at what they had just witnessed, but the majority of them roared in laughter as Yamamoto turned red as beetroot. 

"So folks, there you have it, the secret behind Yamamoto-dono's box of magazines." Yamamoto made a pact to kill the person who installed the cameras in his office if he ever found out who it was, and began to walk out, trying to maintain his dignified posture. His vice-captain started to follow, but Kaisensaku stopped them. "Now now, you can't go off yet, there's more! So sit back down as we unravel more of what happens 'Behind the Scenes'!"

The crowd cheered, waiting for the host to reveal the next piece of information about the 1st Division captain and vice-captain's private lives. There had to be something about the vice-captain, otherwise he wouldn't have come on the show.

"Our next bit of information involves both of these fine gentlemen here," Kaisensaku continued, gesturing to the captain and vice-captain. "Yamamoto-dono, you are very concerned about personal hygiene, are you not?" Yamamoto, unsure of where the discussion was heading, nodded. "I see, however, we have some evidence that shows that you aren't perhaps quite as concerned as you seem. And you too, vice captain." Without waiting for a response, Kaisensaku turned to the large screen behind him, and the crowd followed suit.

* * *

"NO! I DON'T WANT TO!" 

"Yamamoto-sama, you must."

"NO! I WON'T!"

"Please, just do it sir."

"I'M TELLING YOU… NO! Disintegrate all existence…"

"That's enough sir, you're acting like a spoiled brat again. I am certain even Captain Hitsugaya would not make such a fuss over this matter."

"BUT IT'S GOING TO HURT!"

"No it won't you silly old man, now just be good and get in."

"I TOLD YOU! I'M NOT DOING IT!"

"Yes you are! Now get in there before I get Captain Unohana to come and see what a baby you are."

"I WON'T DO IT!"

Leaving the sulking Commander General, the vice-captain of the 1st Division sent a short message to Captain Unohana. "_Having trouble with Yamamoto-sama again, please come and help."_ A slightly frustrated looking Unohana arrived at the 1st Division compound a while later, and was ushered in to see the Commander General by his vice- captain.

"Now come on Yamamoto-san, you must know that this is something you have to do."

"NO IT ISN'T! I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS! MAKE ME AND I'LL KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, HEAR ME?"

"I'm afraid we'll have no other choice. Fukutaichou, if you please…"

"Of course Captain Unohana." The two took a few steps forward, grabbed hold of the old man's flailing arms, and marched him across the room. "Now sir, this won't hurt a bit…" He said as he and Unohana tried to push him down.

With an almighty splash, the Captain and vice-captain succeeded, and the Commander General now sat in the bathtub, fully clothed, looking furiously at the pair of them. "I told you I didn't need to take a bath!"

"Yes you do Yamamoto-sama, otherwise people will start complaining about your stench." Unohana wrinkled her nose as she smelled something.

"There's something in here that doesn't smell all that great…"

"Yes, it's Yamamoto-sama, he's stinking the place up."

"No… it's not him, I believe it's coming from you, fukutaichou!" The vice-captain looked around in horror.

"No… it cannot be. I am not… there is no way, you're not going to…" He tried to break free of Unohana's grip, but the captain was far too strong for him. With another loud splash he landed in the bathtub with his captain, looking sullenly at Unohana, who smiled as she left the room.

"Now remember to wash behind your ears…"

* * *

As the video ended, uproarious laughter greeted the captain and vice-captain of the 1st Division. The crowd was laughing its head off, and even Kaisensaku was guffawing along with them. It took a full ten minutes to restore order, but even then, many were still grinning at all they had just seen and heard. 

"And that brings us to the end of this instalment of 'Behind the Scenes'! I'm your host, Kaisensaku Chouritsu, and we'll see you next time." He ushered the two embarrassed seniors out, while the crowd behind them cheered and applauded.

* * *

**

* * *

Stuff:** Well there you have it. Good? Bad? Horrible? Funny? Stupid? Tell me now! And also, I'd really like ideas for other people to that should feature on the show next, obviously the other captains and vice-captains of the Gotei 13, but also ideas of what happens with them would be gladly accepted, as I don't have many ideas right now. 


	2. Abarai Renji

**Intro: **o.o This chapter is... well... crap. Well... I think it isn't all that great anyway. But I couldn't think of anything else for poor Renji, so I thought I might put it up for now. I'll kill it later if I think of something better...

**Random words to reviewers: **

Hitsu-Yeah.. that last chapter was a bit OOC, but I guess you could say that you don't know enough about the 1st Division to really keep them in character without making it boring. Had to come up with some different, strange additions to the character otherwise the chapter would have been "Yamamoto didn't like the show because it broke some privacy rules. The show was shut down by his order."

seal-chan- hairclips? hehe... that sounds interesting. And yeah.. since this chapter was all about Renji, might as well have one all about Byakuya... and his hair...

the rest- thanks for reviewing! Nothing really specific to say to you guys.. heheh

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach of course. And special thanks to Kaeru Soyokaze for letting me use stuff from her Therapy for Shingami fic, including Soujuku. ((Sorry Kaeru... ;; I always get people's genders wrong... ))

* * *

"It's time for yet another wonderful episode of 'Behind the Scenes'! I'm your handsome host, Kaisensaku Chouritsu!" A cough or two could be heard from the audience as he made this statement. "Anyone who disagrees with me may well find themselves the next to appear on the program! I'm sure we'd all love that, and there is no one in the whole of Soul Society without little secrets to ferret out, and you can be sure I'll be the one to do it!" He exclaimed threateningly, as if daring the offender from before to even make another sound. 

"Now, we have for today's program, a very special guest, who I'm sure you all know, and I have also have a special semi-guest to help me introduce him!" Amidst the applause, a short figure could be seen making her way up onto the stage, therapist to Soul Society, Soujuku Chiyuu. Kaisensaku raised his hand for silence, then handed the Shinigami a microphone he pulled out from some random sound guy's grasp. A jaunty melody filled the hall, as the orchestra began to play. Nodding to Chiyuu, the two of them launched into their song when the time was right.

"Oh, gather ye round and we'll tell you a tale

Of an infamous tattooed, tall spiky-haired male

Who brags quite a lot, but is actually shy,

Yes, we speak of the one we call Abarai!

Abarai Renji of his captain is bored

And spends his days gossiping with his sharp sword.

He denies that he sleep-talks, but yet this is true;

I have the sworn word of Zabimaru!

Abarai Renji sleeps with a bunny

Which Rukia's fond of; it's incredibly funny

How Renji can tease her and laugh at her joy

When he actually sleeps with the very same toy!

Abarai Renji sleeps with no clothes

And slyly, in secret, he picks his own nose

And wears a pink apron whenever he cooks

And is very self-conscious of how good he looks.

He stole Shunsui's robe and dear Nanao's glasses

And Byakuya's curlers, and called us all asses

While he pranced around singing how he was hot

To get HER attention; and yet, he did not!

Yes, Abarai Renji's a strong, brilliant fighter

Yet I think that his ponytail's been getting tighter

And cutting off circulation into his brain

Simply stated, Abarai Renji's insane!"

The pair of them held the final note, letting it rise as they finished their marvellous duet. The crowd's response was one of both laughter and applause. As the two of them finished bowing, Kaisensaku ushered the therapist off the stage and took his place in the centre. "As many of you may have guessed by now, our wonderful guest tonight is none other Abarai Renji! Vice-captain of the 6th Division!" Thunderous applause greeted the red haired vice-captain, who walked in, glaring at the excited host. He seemed oblivious to the look of death however. "Welcome Abarai-san! No doubt you heard the wonderful Soujuku-san and myself perform that theme song of yours. What did you think?"

Renji was pissed, pissed beyond comprehension. It had been a while since that accursed therapist had come up with the horrible excuse for a song, and people had stopped singing it whenever he approached. Now this idiot of a show host had to bring it back up? And with a complete orchestra backing as well. "It was crap. That song is crap. I hate it."

There was a hushed silence as every head turned to Soujuku, who was actually standing up, but it didn't make much a difference anyway. "That's a bit harsh Abarai-san, especially when the composer is in attendance tonight. You never know, she might suddenly find that you need more therapy…"

Renji sat down in the comfy armchair provided. But he had no time to brood over the incredible squishiness of the furniture. Although he had never seen the show before, he had heard of it from his captain. _"Look out Renji, they are going to make you look like a fool. At least that's what they did to the captain and vice-captain of the 1st Division."_ So far it hadn't been too bad, just the song, which Renji knew he could defend himself against. "None of that song's true anyway."

Kaisensaku shook his head disappointingly. "You shouldn't lie Abarai-san. Soujuku-san never makes things up, and luckily, we have some wonderful shots to prove every single line of the song, helped by various Shinigami." Renji stared in disbelief as the TV screen turned on, and showed the crowd a picture of him sleeping, hugging a large bunny soft toy, and with a finger jammed up his nose. Oh, and he was naked, but luckily the picture had been taken while a blanket covered the lower half of his body. Renji stared in disbelief. _How the hell did they get that picture? _He didn't have to wait too long to find out. "Now, that picture was the contribution of the esteemed Kuchiki-taichou, who took the picture a while ago, and when we were looking for help with out with the program, he was happy to assist." And so it went on, showing variety of pictures, some of which Renji weren't even sure were _real_. Finally, there was a rather interesting picture. It was a rather crudely drawn picture of Abarai Renji. His red hair had been coloured in with a rather pinkish colour, and his hair was tied up around his face, so that his head resembled an egg-timer shape. It was also done in… "And this fine artwork, the 'Abarai brain-without-circulation', is a fantastic crayon on paper work done by Yusajika Yachiru!" _So that's why it looks so stupid…_thought Renji to himself. _Hopefully this is the end. It wasn't too bad after all._

"That part was quite boring actually, wasn't it? Ah well, we have more, which… _reveals_ quite a bit about Abarai-san." The incredible amount of emphasis Kaisensaku put on 'reveals' disturbed Renji a bit. _Is he going to show me naked or something?_ "Now, Abarai-san is the love of quite a few women here in Soul Society. However, we all know that the only people who have a place in his heart, when it's not full of blood trying to reach his brain, are Kuchiki Rukia and Hinamori Momo. A large part of Abarai-san's 'hot' image comes from the impressive tattoos he's had done all over his body. However…"

* * *

As Renji stepped into the shower, he started to scrub viciously, singing as he went. Outside, Byakuya looked in distaste at the bathroom door. _I thought he hated that Ballad the diminutive therapist wrote. Yet he sings it every night in the shower…_When Renji stepped out, he had a towel around his waist, and jumped at the sight of his captain. "Kuchiki-taichou!" 

"Relax, I've seen you enough times when you sleep to know all those tattoos are fake. Why you bother to paint them back on every morning, it's ridiculous." Byakuya's voice was still, unemotional, much like the small note he was writing.

"Well, the tattoos look good captain." He unwrapped the towel to reveal a pair of bright pink boxer shorts, and rubbed himself again with the towel.

"You are making that towel filthy."

"Eh… can't get any worse. It used to be white, now it's like, grey, almost black."

"You should just get real tattoos, and be a real man."

"Hey, hey! Let's not go there. Tattoos hurt! You know what they do?"

"Would I care?"

"They get a needle and stick it into you multiple times, and I gotta get them done all over my body! What about when they get to my ass?"

"Do we really have to talk about this topic?"

"Well… you asked me and-" Renji was cut short as Byakuya glared at him. "-I mean… sure, we'll drop the subject"

In the morning, a member of the 6th Division came to the door. "Taichou! Fukutaichou! There's a message for you!" She sighed. _Kuchiki-taichou and Abarai-fukutaichou always take so long in the bathroom in the morning! What is wrong with those two men? Kuchiki-taichou probably takes an hour or two to curl his hair properly, but what about Abarai-fukutaichou? How friggin long can it take to tie your hair up in an untidy bunch? Geez…_

Inside the adjacent bathrooms, both the men were attending to their hair. Byakuya fingered his curlers once more, before making sure they were in perfect position, even a millimetre off would distort his perfect image terribly. Renji was tying his hair up, it took about 10 seconds. Then he looked over his tattoos again. They looked alright, but one or two were running a bit. Dabbing it carefully with his blackened towel, he added a few finishing touches on with a small brush. Finally sure that they were perfect, he stepped out, at the exact same time that his captain did.

* * *

There was complete silence. Everyone seemed to be in shock. No one spoke for a minute or two, then Kaisensaku broke the silence. "Wow… even I never got to see that footage before. I was just reading the prompts…" Renji was stunned. _How did they find out? Did Taichou tell them? If he did… _It suddenly dawned on the embarrassed vice-captain that he wouldn't be able to harm his captain in any way, shape or form if he wanted to anyway. "Well… after that startling revelation, I'm afraid we'll have to leave it there… This is Kaisensaku Chouritsu, and we'll see you next time!"

* * *

**Stuff: **Yes... well... I dunno. You might have liked it more than I did, but it didn't seem all that wonderful. Review anyway to tell me I suck though, I need to know this important stuff! 


End file.
